सौगात

 

सौगात 

बैठी अंधेरे कमरे,मै रोती रही... 

शांत शर्वरी, टिक टिक की आवाज और मेरे सिसकते स्वर... सुमध सामंजस्य सा समा सजने लगा... 

इतनी गहरी समरसता की अपना सूध खोने लगी थी...

एकाएक अदृश्य से एक अदृश्य हाथ मेरी ओर बढ़ने लगा... अवाक असल में उसे यूं ही निहारती रही... 

करीब आकर मेरे भीतर से मुझे भाग, भागने लगी वो... खौफजदा, खाली मै खामोशी से खुद को खोते देखती रही... 

असंख्य प्रश्न जाग उठे थे मन में पर लब पर लफ्ज़ ना ला सकी... 

हाथ थामे मैं उस हाथ के पीछे मैं उड़ चली... 

अंधकार मार्ग, अनिश्चित मंजिल, अस्थिर मन... 

अपरिचित संसार, अनदेखा साथ, अद्भुत सफर... 

ठहरे ठोस ठिकाने, केवल काले कोहरे की कोख में... 

जंजीरों में जकड़ना शुरू किया, अनंत शून्य के शोक में... अत्यंत पीड़ा है इस जहां के स्पर्श में... 

मानो लावा हो शिराओं में और ह्रदय चिर लहू की धारा बहे... 

फेफड़े मेरे जल उठे आजाद हवाओं के अभाव में... 

शरीर मेरा तड़प उठे खोए रूह कि रिक्तता से... 

क्या याम, क्या यामिनी, क्या क्षुधा, क्या तृष्णा... 

केवल एक बूंद अश्रु की याचना है, केवल एक क्षण सोहबत की हसरत... 

एक सुकून सा है इस संताप में... 

एक ललक है इस लौ में... 

इस अग्नि की आदी हो चली अब मै... 

म्रत्यु के मोह ने जैसे जिंदगी की जंग को एलाने व्यर्थ किया है... 

बेडीयो में बंद कर, काली आंचल तले... 

आंखें मूंद इस अंधकार के आधीन होने दो मुझे... 

सीने में संपूर्ण समेट अनंत निद्रा का शाप दो मुझे... 

शापित इस सपने अब समाधि की सौगात दो मुझे...

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For You

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One night

One night, i wanna fly away - 

One night, when celestial calls my name -  

Into the dark cold cloud, against the frizzy breeze - 

One night, i wanna fly away... 

I'm gonna free my wide white wings - 

I'm gonna gather all my fallen feather - 

I'm gonna glue all in great gorgeous gown - 

& with one Konan rose, i'm gonna fly away...

 I'll float flat far in the sky, one night - 

Crossing my legs, i'll sit on styx shining, one night-

Oh! big black sky- here! take my hand, and call my name 'cause - 

One night, i wanna fly away... 

And just like that! 

The firefly flew from my finger - 

Freeing my frozen feelings, firing my fragmented soul - 

Finally found the forbidden fluid flowing down my fair cheek - 

Now! I cry to eternal... with the desire to fly away - - -  one night... 

If you don't like reading you can just watch the video instead.... 

If u like it do subscribe, thank you. 

Love have no definition...

 Love have no definition..... 

If you don't like reading you can just click here https://youtu.be/H0uJTdZ3qP8. Also if you like it please do subscribe. 

चाँद हू मैं

 Welcome back readers... After a long time i am writting something...

This is the original poem which I wrote in hindi...please enjoy. 

And for english readers... Here is a translated version of the original poem. 

If you like my work please support, subscribe my YouTube channel https://youtube.com/channel/UCmfd2AniA-z6FACxeHVuNuw as well...Thank you. 

Miss Mistress

        The day i met her, she was sitting there as quite as a leaf... Not for fun not for showoff i went there because i was depressed, hopeless, i found myself lost somewhere in myself, yeah! it was that complicated. It was my first time so i was pretty nervous already then when i saw her so many thoughts crossed my mind, what am i doing here, what she is doing here, i knew that this wasn't our best place to be in.
        I closed my eyes and kissed her. I can't explain how that felt, it felt like i was running out of oxygen and she gave me a brand new sky to breathe in. She took me to a new world where there's no space for pain, thoughts, regrets. It was only me and her. She gave me a new life which i wanna live forever.
        I didn't notice when she became my need and those days when i was addicted to her were killing me twice first living without her and second living, it was so difficult that even death seemed little to me.
        I got married but i still missed her sometimes, the distance then slowly made me realize that i never needed her she needed me, she used her powers to drag me to her because she didn't want to be alone she wanted me to vanish my existence in the air with her, she was selfish, she tried to kill me with herself and i was so into her that i was ready to die. My wife gave me the real life, she didn't took me to another world she made my this world a haven. For me it was my family you should find a reason too because cigarette is nothing but smoke and ash both comes to the existence after killing it's original existence. 

My dark eyeliner.

        

       

         Million of emotions scattered all over the

floor, me sitting in the middle of this mess trying to clean everything up, i pick one piece up and another slides down back to the floor, now it's frustrating, it's making me want to cry, cry real loud. I want to scream my lungs out and tell people that it hurts, it's extreme pain, it feels like the crushed part of my heart is falling off of it leaving the destroyed heart bleeding and the process of crushing and falling off goes on and on. 

       I thought it's loneliness but i'm still alone in the middle of my family. I thought love will bring me out of this hell, but the love fail only pushed me deeper. 4 hours now, i am still sitting on the floor. My eyes stuck on the broken piece of wine glass, constant gaze on it took me to the void. I am not crying, sitting calm instead there's no violence anymore. I feel like void, nothing nowhere, no thought crossing my mind, no sense responding, no any feeling in my body. I am free from everything, from every emotion from every force, i am falling freely, deep in dark, like a chicken wing in the air, i am falling deeper and deeper and deeper.... 

        I jumped on my heart from the alarm clock ring, my heart racing like a horse, taking enough time to let realization hit me i took a long breathe. Taking a long hot bath i got dressed for the new day. Before leaving i went to take a final glimpse of myself in the mirror. Thickening my eyeliner i smiled at my reflection. People should notice only my dark eyeliner not my dark soul. 

You are beautiful 💕💕

        Hey there! Umm.. Not her... it's me her hair, oh c'mmon even sponges can talk so it's not a shock, right? I wish i really could speak though, there's so much i wanna tell her. 

        Well, she is bubbly cute weirdo...which means she have a million moods and i have to be very flexible to be with her. Whenever she is happy, she plays with me that's a fun time. When she flirts sometimes she tugs a strand of me behind her ear and my job is to fall back in a while, yeah! that's our move😂. When it's the math exam next day she puts me in a bun and the day turns out to be a boring one, i mean don't expect me to study math with her dahh!!She had a bad breakup a while ago...her life got entangled... so got i. It took her a long time but once she got over it, she cut me half, I was a bit upset but when i saw her smiling at the mirror and adoring her new haircut, it felt worthy. 

       Just like her i have a dark side too. When she gets depressed, the demon tortures her soul and she feels the pain, i feel the pain too, all of us do. We try to support her, and it feels so bad to not be able to help. When she screams in pain and pull me tight i feel the pain too both physical and emotional, it's hard to see her like that. We all love her, me, her heart, veins, blood, nails, bones, every cell of her body, every entity of her emotion, we all live for her. It hurts so bad when she thinks that she is alone. The absence of one person and, all of other people, all of herself, we don't matter to her. She can die happily for that one person, but she can't live for us all. It hurts when she doesn't appreciate us for beings a part of her. The day she will realize how hard we work to keep her happy and how beautiful we made her; she won't care about anything else. We are enough for her! only if she could realize it. 

Reward??

        I know you won't like me, no one does, not even me. A woman is a synonym of sacrifice, patience, wisdom, women have the power of being selfless. That's what i noticed in my mother and that's what made me hate being like her.  Whenever she said that she had to sacrifice for other's  happiness i hated her, you always have a choice to do what you want. I never want to make an excuse for not doing what i want in my life.
        I always wanted my life on my terms, my stupid mother died very soon and living with my dad only, gave me a piece of freedom. It changed when i grew up, i wanted a fancy career no matter how much hard work it takes, being a girl i cared about my self respect so i though he had nothing to worry about,  but he wanted to control my life, he wanted to choose for my career. I did what i wanted, i went against his conservative mind and build my career as a business woman. I got the fancy life i dreamt for.
        It took me half of my life to understand that sacrifice is a gift to yourself. My mother did and she died happy. I didn't and i am living dejected, this guilt eats me every second that i had the choice to live with a smiling father and be happy in his happiness instead i choose this alone dead life, how could i not realize that letting go the dead pleasure for living happiness is not sacrifice it's actually the reward.

River- she said "We were made to make not to destroy"...

       I remember her words " we were made to make, not to destroy." My mother, she is so loving, so beautiful, a typical old woman who always thought me how to love others more than ourselves. She told me that we are strong, we are blessed with the power to create new lives, we have the strength to make or destroy anything, but a real woman never does harm, women are made to make not to destroy, our life is dedicated to others our real strength is to become selfless enough to embellish other's lives. 

        Our relationship was beautiful in the starting, he took care of me, respected me, loved me the way i love him. But then, he changed with time. I know i still have to love him, no matter how hard he hits me. I still have to support him, no matter if he puts a new scar every next day on my beautiful face. No matter how many times he throttles me, i still have to keep praying for him because, mom said that's why we exist for, we live for them. I just hope one day he will understand that he can't live without me, he needs ME more then anything else, other girls can please him but it's only me who can keep him happy forever. I just hope he will value me before it's too late. 

        My name is 'River', he calls me with different names 'Forest', 'Mountain', 'Ocen' and many more, his favorite name of calling me is "Nature". My mother is 'Earth' who always inspires me to continue this relationship. He is 'Human', and no matter how much he hurts me i still love him and i'll keep loving him because that's why i exist for, to love others. 

Just one question :Do we really deserves her?

The cup of love...

  

        "I don't wanna sound cheesy, but i can't hold it. I am so amused, you look even prettier then her, and how you got magic in your hands? i never knew a plain cup of tea can taste this good." Ray's word made me chuckle."It's not a cup of tea it's the cup of love"said Maya with her little laughs. 

       "This is there THING you know." she added. I studied Ray's questioned face. "It was an online relationship for years. So, when he finally asked me for a date, i went so nervous. After a long flight and 3 hours of makeover i was ready with all fancy look. To my surprise he stopped the car in the mid of a semi forest asking if i can make him some tea? He helped me with all that stuff and i made almost 1 liter tea." I did a little chuckle and continued."We talked on that car bonnet for hours and then he asked me if i can do this everyday for him and i said yes. So, here i am still keeping my promise." Just when I finished with a smile, my bebe entered there. 

        "Papa!!!!" Maya went to hug her dad.He kissed her forehead back. "Janeman!! Where is my tea?" he asked me. I rolled my eyes and poured him some too, on which he blew a kiss towards me. "Man!! You embarrass me one more time in front of my would be son in law, and i am leaving you." I said faking some anger.An instant disappointment took over his face. Awwww!!! My poor husband, i smiled at him to bring that smile back on his face,which obviously worked." I love you " he said. 

       " I promise you, i'll give you the same surrounding you grew up in."  Ray promised my daughter love, and i just kept admiring all of them. 

        

Does my gain worth my lose?

        " You know that i have always loved you more than anything else, i'll sacrifice my life smiling for your goods. We are best friends from our birth, i see through your eyes too, then why it makes me selfish when i feel the same way you do? Why does your love draws a line on our love? 

        You said you can't share your husband with me, but it was about sharing the love we had for each other. Nothing was wrong when our love was within the line, but we can't control love, we can't decide when to stop, yes we felt for each other but that does not mean that we stopped loving you instead, our mutual love for you brought us closer. 'thing doesn't work like that' because society doesn't accept that, but from when we started caring about society? It was me there for you when you had panic attacks not a random guy from society. You asked him to make a choice and we both will probably give up on our lives before giving up on you. You always said LOVING a soul gives a new life but you never told that loving two souls ends the life. "

       

        This was the last message i got from her. Yes, i have a beautiful loving family, but everyday when i see her picture i feel like my gain doesn't worth my lose. I love her, but did i really had a choice then? 

        

      

The DREAM i LIVED - not all the dreams have to be fancy.

        "mom, I need this makeup palette" i asked my mother with a puppy look. She sat beside me to take a look on my wishlist. "4k! that's pretty expensive han!" she said raising one eyebrow to me. "mom please i have to buy a book too, or i would have bought it by myself, mom pleeeeeeeease" i tried one more time. She gave me a stop this emotional torture look. "please" i know this gonna work. "only if you promise no more orders this month" she replied. I gave her my best smile, "annnnnhhh!!!! I love you mamma" i kissed her cheek. 

         "hey Bulbul ! Wanna hangout?" asked Prakash standing on the door. "No, i don't hang out with jerks" i replied rudely and went back to my laptop. "What's the matter? a big fight or something?" mom asked me. "He is a real jerk mamma, i don't wanna hang out with him" i replied in a sad voice. "that's all right baby" she said hugging me tight. "coffee?" she offered. I smiled at her, yeah! i need a coffee this moment. 

        My eyes popped open, my heart racing like a horse, pin drop silence around, i can literally hear my own breath. It took me good 40 seconds to understand the real situation. I let a sigh, grabbing the photo frame from the bed stand i got up. I started stepping to the garden . Sitting on the grass i looked at the frame, my beautiful smiling mother! A small smile arched on my lips. I lied my cheek on the fame "i wish i could live my dream a bit more" a teardrop fell on the frame. "I love you mamma" i said kissing the frame.