The Role Play

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I'm in love...with my grief

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Black ink

 

 

 I...i...i am holding my my mother's hand and walking beside her... yes...it is her... I... my... oh my... i'm so happy... i can cry the happy tears, the tiny me! haha...! It's so funny... how tiny i was, whatever! I can forget all and be beside my mother, i can touch her, the worth of her hand melting my pain away... I am happy... i want to keep smiling...no actually i want to laugh all my joy out.

   My mom took me to the lake, i haven't seen anything so beautiful in my entire life, beautiful blue-white sky, and then this white water fall, looks like pure milk coming down the hill, then come this crystal-clear water... how can something be so pure? i can see the pebble down the water...so many of them...so colourful!! mom left my hand and sat on a rock, she looked at me and smiled...my heart feels so happy...it's complete...it's satisfied. I kissed mom's cheek and went to the water, i put my feet in...so cold and refreshing... I desire for nothing else in my life... I inhaled the pure oxygen till my lungs are puffed out, and close my eyes. I am happy to my death now. 

   I opened my eyes...my mother is gone... What???  she is gone?? "mooomm" my heart is crying for her right now. Wait...i am not tiny anymore...i grew in a blink of an eye... there is no blue-white sky anymore... it's black cloud now... everything's black now...everywhere it black n white... no colour exist anymore. Wait...the pebbles? there is no pebble that i can see...i can't see what's under this black water...wait...it's not water... what is this liquid? I am moving down...i cannot feel the ground...what is this??? someone help!!!! I can't swim!!!! someone!!!! Is it black ink???? I am sinking...man i can't swim... I'll die... SOMEONE!!! ANYONE!!!! please come!!! oh right! I am no Disney Princess that a prince will come swimming to take my hand and save me...it's not a fancy fairy tail. 

   I kept sinking down n down...i do not know how deep i have to keep the drowning...i can't hold my breath anymore...my lungs are going to burst out. I lets go the last little oxygen that i had left...i inhaled the ink... man it's burning... the pain is beyond my bear points. I cannot take it anymore. 

   If i am to die...i want a quick death...i want to die...i want to die...i want to die... what is that this feeling? I don't like it, why did not i die?  why am i still alive? i feel like an empty shell. Is there absolutely nothing inside me? not a single thing? is it the land? did i reach the rock bottom? Newton's third law right! If I push the ground with a certain force, and ground will push me back with the same force. So i just have to hit the ground with the force enough to cut the surface tension, and i can be out of this black ink ocean... Right! it worked...i am out now. I am out in the world...people..people.. people..everywhere there's people... lights, roads, cars and people... schools, offices, houses and people... fridges, coolers, stoves and people... There's no end to this world...I feel like laughing, there's nothing funny, but i cannot stop laughing...i just can't stop laughing...how is it possible?  the world is full of 'this' or 'that'... still i am totally empty...i cannot stop laughing... I took a deep breath and tear roll down my cheek... everything feels worthless...i see no point... no destination to reach...no path to follow... no one to love. All i have is an 'Empty shell'. I want to go away from here, i do not want to be here...i just want to want to fly somewhere other than this land. 

   I am really flying...but how?? how...these wings??? when did i grow these?? the black feathered wings...it looks so gorgeous. I plugged out one feather, there's ink in the tip...what??? am i suppose to write something with this?? Whatever! I just want to fly higher and higher... yeah!!! this is good...now i can see the world from here...what now???? Oh!! Right, my feathers...i can write...so i WILL write...i will write till my last father...so that i never have to go back...I will write and write and i will keep writing.... 

Evenings

One world one sky one person still it's so different....

One is haven... 

One is hell...

A piece of land

 

A piece of land

I want a piece of land of peace...

Where no border exist, where no bow-order exist... 

Where there is no limit to my limits... 

Where i do not breathe the bear it... 

A piece of land of peace... 

Where i can find the piece of mind of peace... 

Where i can find the freedom with no fear-doom... 

Where i, the women, can see the sea alone... 

Where the knights in night seem useless... 

A piece of land of peace... 

Where i can make my piece of world of peace... 

I just want a piece of land of peace...

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सौगात

 

सौगात 

बैठी अंधेरे कमरे,मै रोती रही... 

शांत शर्वरी, टिक टिक की आवाज और मेरे सिसकते स्वर... सुमध सामंजस्य सा समा सजने लगा... 

इतनी गहरी समरसता की अपना सूध खोने लगी थी...

एकाएक अदृश्य से एक अदृश्य हाथ मेरी ओर बढ़ने लगा... अवाक असल में उसे यूं ही निहारती रही... 

करीब आकर मेरे भीतर से मुझे भाग, भागने लगी वो... खौफजदा, खाली मै खामोशी से खुद को खोते देखती रही... 

असंख्य प्रश्न जाग उठे थे मन में पर लब पर लफ्ज़ ना ला सकी... 

हाथ थामे मैं उस हाथ के पीछे मैं उड़ चली... 

अंधकार मार्ग, अनिश्चित मंजिल, अस्थिर मन... 

अपरिचित संसार, अनदेखा साथ, अद्भुत सफर... 

ठहरे ठोस ठिकाने, केवल काले कोहरे की कोख में... 

जंजीरों में जकड़ना शुरू किया, अनंत शून्य के शोक में... अत्यंत पीड़ा है इस जहां के स्पर्श में... 

मानो लावा हो शिराओं में और ह्रदय चिर लहू की धारा बहे... 

फेफड़े मेरे जल उठे आजाद हवाओं के अभाव में... 

शरीर मेरा तड़प उठे खोए रूह कि रिक्तता से... 

क्या याम, क्या यामिनी, क्या क्षुधा, क्या तृष्णा... 

केवल एक बूंद अश्रु की याचना है, केवल एक क्षण सोहबत की हसरत... 

एक सुकून सा है इस संताप में... 

एक ललक है इस लौ में... 

इस अग्नि की आदी हो चली अब मै... 

म्रत्यु के मोह ने जैसे जिंदगी की जंग को एलाने व्यर्थ किया है... 

बेडीयो में बंद कर, काली आंचल तले... 

आंखें मूंद इस अंधकार के आधीन होने दो मुझे... 

सीने में संपूर्ण समेट अनंत निद्रा का शाप दो मुझे... 

शापित इस सपने अब समाधि की सौगात दो मुझे...

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For You

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One night

One night, i wanna fly away - 

One night, when celestial calls my name -  

Into the dark cold cloud, against the frizzy breeze - 

One night, i wanna fly away... 

I'm gonna free my wide white wings - 

I'm gonna gather all my fallen feather - 

I'm gonna glue all in great gorgeous gown - 

& with one Konan rose, i'm gonna fly away...

 I'll float flat far in the sky, one night - 

Crossing my legs, i'll sit on styx shining, one night-

Oh! big black sky- here! take my hand, and call my name 'cause - 

One night, i wanna fly away... 

And just like that! 

The firefly flew from my finger - 

Freeing my frozen feelings, firing my fragmented soul - 

Finally found the forbidden fluid flowing down my fair cheek - 

Now! I cry to eternal... with the desire to fly away - - -  one night... 

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Love have no definition...

 Love have no definition..... 

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चाँद हू मैं

 Welcome back readers... After a long time i am writting something...

This is the original poem which I wrote in hindi...please enjoy. 

And for english readers... Here is a translated version of the original poem. 

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Miss Mistress

        The day i met her, she was sitting there as quite as a leaf... Not for fun not for showoff i went there because i was depressed, hopeless, i found myself lost somewhere in myself, yeah! it was that complicated. It was my first time so i was pretty nervous already then when i saw her so many thoughts crossed my mind, what am i doing here, what she is doing here, i knew that this wasn't our best place to be in.
        I closed my eyes and kissed her. I can't explain how that felt, it felt like i was running out of oxygen and she gave me a brand new sky to breathe in. She took me to a new world where there's no space for pain, thoughts, regrets. It was only me and her. She gave me a new life which i wanna live forever.
        I didn't notice when she became my need and those days when i was addicted to her were killing me twice first living without her and second living, it was so difficult that even death seemed little to me.
        I got married but i still missed her sometimes, the distance then slowly made me realize that i never needed her she needed me, she used her powers to drag me to her because she didn't want to be alone she wanted me to vanish my existence in the air with her, she was selfish, she tried to kill me with herself and i was so into her that i was ready to die. My wife gave me the real life, she didn't took me to another world she made my this world a haven. For me it was my family you should find a reason too because cigarette is nothing but smoke and ash both comes to the existence after killing it's original existence. 

My dark eyeliner.

        

       

         Million of emotions scattered all over the

floor, me sitting in the middle of this mess trying to clean everything up, i pick one piece up and another slides down back to the floor, now it's frustrating, it's making me want to cry, cry real loud. I want to scream my lungs out and tell people that it hurts, it's extreme pain, it feels like the crushed part of my heart is falling off of it leaving the destroyed heart bleeding and the process of crushing and falling off goes on and on. 

       I thought it's loneliness but i'm still alone in the middle of my family. I thought love will bring me out of this hell, but the love fail only pushed me deeper. 4 hours now, i am still sitting on the floor. My eyes stuck on the broken piece of wine glass, constant gaze on it took me to the void. I am not crying, sitting calm instead there's no violence anymore. I feel like void, nothing nowhere, no thought crossing my mind, no sense responding, no any feeling in my body. I am free from everything, from every emotion from every force, i am falling freely, deep in dark, like a chicken wing in the air, i am falling deeper and deeper and deeper.... 

        I jumped on my heart from the alarm clock ring, my heart racing like a horse, taking enough time to let realization hit me i took a long breathe. Taking a long hot bath i got dressed for the new day. Before leaving i went to take a final glimpse of myself in the mirror. Thickening my eyeliner i smiled at my reflection. People should notice only my dark eyeliner not my dark soul. 

You are beautiful 💕💕

        Hey there! Umm.. Not her... it's me her hair, oh c'mmon even sponges can talk so it's not a shock, right? I wish i really could speak though, there's so much i wanna tell her. 

        Well, she is bubbly cute weirdo...which means she have a million moods and i have to be very flexible to be with her. Whenever she is happy, she plays with me that's a fun time. When she flirts sometimes she tugs a strand of me behind her ear and my job is to fall back in a while, yeah! that's our move😂. When it's the math exam next day she puts me in a bun and the day turns out to be a boring one, i mean don't expect me to study math with her dahh!!She had a bad breakup a while ago...her life got entangled... so got i. It took her a long time but once she got over it, she cut me half, I was a bit upset but when i saw her smiling at the mirror and adoring her new haircut, it felt worthy. 

       Just like her i have a dark side too. When she gets depressed, the demon tortures her soul and she feels the pain, i feel the pain too, all of us do. We try to support her, and it feels so bad to not be able to help. When she screams in pain and pull me tight i feel the pain too both physical and emotional, it's hard to see her like that. We all love her, me, her heart, veins, blood, nails, bones, every cell of her body, every entity of her emotion, we all live for her. It hurts so bad when she thinks that she is alone. The absence of one person and, all of other people, all of herself, we don't matter to her. She can die happily for that one person, but she can't live for us all. It hurts when she doesn't appreciate us for beings a part of her. The day she will realize how hard we work to keep her happy and how beautiful we made her; she won't care about anything else. We are enough for her! only if she could realize it.