FAIRY TALE

                                     

       I don’t know what’s going on… I have my books open I am trying to understand a theorem, I am writing a lot of numbers and alphabets on my notebook; my brain is busy understanding it… yet… it feels so blank… I feel nothing, not even my conciseness, as if I’m in coma but, my body is moving so I know I am awake… this is a weird feeling that I do not understand… I have a normal life, a normal schedule, I have my share of problems and pains… days just go by… somedays a bit different than others, some night I party with my friends, some nights I study, some night we smoke and drink, it’s fun being with them… my brother is depressed about our parent’s divorce, but I am fine now it took time but I processed it… one year since we broke up, I was too attached to her so it was a hellish phase but I moved on somehow, or maybe still moving on…there are days I miss her and days when i don’t… so many things yet…yet… there is something, which is empty inside me…. And that emptiness stays… it’s always there, and it keeps telling me that it’s there every once in a while…. Why? Is there something missing in me? I got up picking my jacket.

“Where to?” my roommate asked.   

“Just gonna smoke.” It’s not like I can’t smoke here but I just need some fresh air.

“Be quick! It’s already past 1am” he let me know.

“Hmm!” I replied.

“Bring something to drink on your way back.” His voice fed up as I closed the door.

      It’s wintertime, the cold breeze woke me up. It’s so chill out here, I rubbed my palms together before my 10-minute jog to the campus stadium… It’s easy to sneak in and if there’s no couple trying to make out, it’s usually quiet. Just a little jog and I’m already warm…wait…wait…what is that? It’s all dark here but that looks extra dark there and it has a shape? A girl??  I can’t see properly but it’s too late for anybody to be in the garden…umm…ghost?? I mean it’s past midnight plus I am alone I don’t wanna be the tv guy who hears a sound and goes to it just to die… the weird shape already looks scary enough as if a girl is sitting on the edge of the fountain, hair covering the ground around her feet…i'm just gonna tip toe from here as silent as I can.

“Yoo!!!”

FUCK!!!! Fuck!!

That scared the shit out of me…o my god my heart won the race to the horse just now...my throat dried. She saw me…that thing saw me…what now??

“Hi” really did I just say hi back to a ghost or whatever that shadowish thing is.

“Do you have a towel?”

“What??” I was surprised, yes scared but surprised first.

“Towel!” she repeated.

I went a bit closer… it’s a girl’s voice so… I mean she didn’t sound like a ghost so…

“No! who carries a towel around.” I said quite politely, I mean just in case.

“Yeah right!!! So, a handkerchief?” okay so she understands logic so she ain’t a ghost… right?

I checked my pockets… money and phone and the cigarette-lighter that I shoved in my jacket.

“No... not that either…” I replied going closer to her.

“What are you doing here at this time of the night?” I asked.

“Was looking for some guy to drink his blood but then suddenly I started feeling so hot with all the jumping on the trees...so jumped into the water, but I don’t like wet hair and since I can’t blow dry right now, I was asking for something to dry myself.”

“What??” that came out of my mouth before I could even analyze her answer. I was close enough to her to realize that she wasn’t lying about jumping into the water and being wet, and she defiantly was not trying to swim coz it’s just a decoration fountain in the middle of the garden.

“You believe me, right? We might have a horrible reputation, but we witches don’t lie.”

I do not know what to answer now, my brain is still doing all the math so gimme 10 seconds to reply to that question.

“Yeah sure! If you say so.” I replied in a tone which says aloud ‘I am lying’…. Ufff!! Safe!!!

“Wanna go to a hotel with me?”

Okay! I need another 10 seconds to reply to that question.

“Don’t worry I won’t drain out your blood.” No! I am certainly not worried about that right now lemme just figure the situation first… there is a girl who is soaking wet in the middle of the night in the freezing temperature who wants to go to a hotel with me right now! Is she horny? Wait before that, is she a human? Wait before that, is it all real at all?

“Probably!!” she added. Probably what? Probably Its real? Probably You are human? Probably You not gonna drink my blood? probably you just read my mind? What? Probably what?  

“Okay.” What? Who said OKAY? I did not? I mean I did!!! but my brain did not know about that.

“Do you have a bike? If I go out like this, humans will stare at me.” She spoke.

“I do have a bike but not here it’s in the hostel!” okay I need to stop speaking before telling my brain.

“Okay! Go grab it! I’ll wait in front of the side door. There!” She said pointing towards the gate.

“Hmm!!” and I just stared walking… I came here to smoke and look at me walking all confused back to my room, the conversation was too short for me to process and surrounding was too dark for my eyes to check on properly. What if she is ugly? What if she is someone from my class or senior? Should I grab a condom just in case? What if all of this was just my hallucination? wait am I depressed? I do feel empty sometimes, but hallucination is extreme level, right? Is it because of pods that I roll? the weed? No No!! I defiantly saw a girl not properly but I knew it was a girl so it should be real but what was all the weird answers of hers… witches and stuff lol… that’s not real stuff right??

“You were quick man. I thought you’ll take time… anddd you did not bring anything!” My roommate spoke.

“Yeah, I didn’t get the chance.” Should I tell him… he will probably laugh or even if he does believe me, he is gonna spoil the good thing that might happen if I keep quiet and go back to where she asked me to.

“M gonna go out a bit.”

“Where?”

“Hmmm?? Ohh!!” what now? “You remember Debu? my cuisine? My aunt’s son I told you about….”

“Oh yeah…last year he had some exam, so he stayed here for a night? that guy right?”

“Yeah! he went on a business trip, and I asked him to buy me something and that idiot just called me that he is here, and he has the next train in like…” how much time the sex which might happen may take? “...in 4 hours. So, I’ll just go grab my stuff and hang out a bit.”

“He could have just come here. Okay!! Don’t be late… tomorrow we have morning class and with the attendance, we really need to attend classes now.”

“hmm!!” I grabbed my keys, stuffed a bit more cash in my wallet and headed out.

“Oh, by the way! Do you have a condom?” what the fuck!

“What???”

I just shut the door and just kept going on…. what the fuck!

     She was there….ufff! at least she is real …. Thank God m not depressed. She hopped on my bike and grabbed on my shoulder.

“You have a nice neck!”

“It drives you?”

“For blood or to only slit open it with a sharp knife?”

“Why does the first option sound safer?” she didn’t giggle or flirt as I imagined she would do. She just kept silent on the way meanwhile I had so many thoughts… mixed thoughts.

We filled the form and checked in, as soon I closed the door, I got nervous. I do not know what to do, my mind went blank. Should I try to kiss her? If she backs off I’ll backoff too, but if she really backs off it will so embarrassing.

“Order some hot drinks, I’ll go take a shower.” She said before I could even turn around. I felt relieved but annoyed at the same now I’ll just keep thinking which is annoying. I went to the phone.

“Hello! Two coffees in room 402 please.” I hang up.

I need to clear these annoying thoughts, I went to the window and lit up my cigarette, one puff and all the thoughts were gone…. now I’ll think properly. Actually, there is nothing to think, what's the rush. I’ll just act normal and see where it all leads to. I finished smoking and waved the smoke out. The room service rang the bell, I received the tray and closed the door. Wait… she doesn’t even have extra cloths what’s she gonna wear? Wait a sec…did I miss something? Was that all just a hint? No no she was wet so went for a shower, why does it still sound so incorrect. I’ll just knock and ask if she needs anything. I went to the door, and she opened it. She is drying her hair with a towel. For the first time I have enough light to see her properly. She is short, light brown complex with dark black long hair. She is cute, not the prettiest yet pretty.

“What?” she asked and then showed her hand which had a ring in it.

“You are married?” I was shocked.

“Engaged.” She replied.

I was silent. I did not know what to ask first.

“Btw I just went to ask if you needed anything. You didn’t have clothes…” now I noticed the towel gown, I mean sure.

“Ummhmm” she replied taking a sip of her coffee.

“Why are you here?” that just came out of my mouth.

“Coz, I would have died of pneumonia if I stayed there like that.” She replied and went to the balcony picking her phone. She did not return so I went too holding my coffee cup. She was just staring at the sky.

“I have so many questions.” I spoke.   

“I love him…but m scared of marriage… it’s such a shackle… if both are happy it’s a love’s fluffy scarf if one had a little trouble, it would make us both bleed. I just wanna live with him like this forever. I understand everything but m still scared.” she said. “I love him too much to marry him. I won’t be able to take a break if he is in trouble, I won’t be able to eat if he hadn’t, I will do things for him all the time, he will be my day and night…my world. It’s so scary, not having a world of my own.”

“If you are unsure just don’t na….” I said it a little too casual even though I know it’s not that simple.

“BTW stop smoking, the chimney smoke is enough pollution for you to die before your son could kick you out of your own house.” She spoke.

“I am not an addict.” I spoke. “It helps sometimes.”

“What is your deal? Why were you out of bed so late?” she asked.

“I am not a kid okay! Maybe a bit younger than you but I'm big enough to stay up the night.”

“OOOO!!! The big boy got angry.” She teased me.

“You shouldn’t stay a night with a guy, you are engaged.” And I said it.

“Don’t worry I'm not into kids. My man knows I won’t cheat, I called him just now.”

“No one can trust another person this much..."

“Yeah, I just wanted to make him jealous, that guy never gets angry no matter how many guys hit on me which makes ME angry. So, I called him and said that I'm with a guy…now he’ll come rushing here.” She said interrupting me.

“Even you should not trust a guy like this… there are bad guys out there.” I reminded her.

“I know I am always reckless.” She said smiling.

“What is it?” she asked.

“What?” I repeated. For a moment I thought she saw right through me.

“You are upset? What did you imagine?” she asked chuckling.

“Nothing” I said with a pout.

She shuffled my hairs.

“I am not a kid!” I said moving close to her face…looking in her eye.

“No boy is a kid in front of a girl, and no man is an adult in front of a woman!” She replied, staring right into my eyes… I felt like she defeated me…. the power she had in those eyes somehow calmed the storm. I stepped back like a little lion cuff.

“Up for a story?”

She is so random.

“Okay I guess.”

“A fairy tale for grownups.” she said 

“'once upon a time' There was a little girl. She was kept in a dark room, it was so dark that she could not see anything not even her own body, as long as she could remember she was there, she had two stuffed animals, a lion with a sun’s face and a cloud with moon on it… and this is all she had. She had a fixed time, when the meals use to appear in front of her, so even though she couldn’t see it she could reach out and eat…. She used to eat and go back to playing, she slept when she got tired of playing, she played when she got tired of sleeping, had two meals a day that was her schedule. She kept doing that…but one day the moon cloud disappeared, she groped for it, but she didn’t find it… That was unusual that was not supposed to happen so she decided to wait…she thought it will appear with the food but it did not… she ate her food and kept waiting… the whole day she waited the next day she waited again the next day she waited…five days went by… she became restless now… she did not miss the toy she did not love it to begin with but she knew she has lost something which was hers and she did not like that, she wanted it back so she decide to search for it… she started touching the floor around her, she moved a bit from her spot and kept groping…and it was the food time… but she did not know where it’s gonna appear… she had left her spot for the first time she tried reach out for her food but she could not find it so she gave up and kept searching for her cloud moon… three days she continuously kept looking for it but now her body was weak, her enthusiasm ran out, she could hardly move now, but she kept searching… not particularly for her toy anymore but for anything… anything that her fingers could touch except of those floors and walls… she kept touching the next thing she could… finally she reached to her original spot where the food was to appear but she did not recognize it so she passed by … she got too weak to move now… fever raised her body temperature…. She fell on the ground… heavily breathing…her stomach growled in hunger… she thought maybe she wasn’t allowed to leave her spot… maybe she did something wrong and this was her punishment… she passed out… she saw the cloud moon lying on  the ground, the toy got up and started walking, after walking a bit it sat somewhere… she saw that her food appeared and cloud moon was eating it…she got so angry that she rushed to him and tore it to cotton… she woke up from the nightmare… she sweat a lot and this made her feel better but her stomach was still hurting…she wanted to eat but how? All she could do is crawl here and there randomly and she did not have the energy to do so… she just stayed there with a blanket of sweat and bliss of hunger… her stomal growled again… her temperature raised again the lava in her veins, her red blazing coal cheeks, her sour throat, the hot air she was trapped in all of these were new to her, she was agonized and astonished. She wanted it to stop, lying on the floor like a dead body in hell she kept wishing for it to stop, that small child did not even know she was wishing for death, she did not know what death is, but she wanted to die. She wanted to cry…she wanted to plead to someone…she wanted someone to help her…to forgive her… she wanted to cry out…somebody…anybody… anything that can help her, soothe her pain she wanted to cry till her lung bursts…but she had non…someone…something…voice…she had none of it. She shut her eyes.”

“What do you think happened next?” she asked me.

“She… someone came to help her?” I replied.

“No!”

“She died?”

“That’s the tragedy, she was immortal!” she said, 

“She stayed there waiting for the end which was never to come…she waited and waited sometimes, she cried silently holding all the chaos within, sometimes she was as clam as a fallen leave…she kept waiting…the time was torturing her, it was suffocating agonizing hellish…she stayed like that for a century… ‘time heals pain’ they say but it hurt her the same!”

“Can you guess why?” she asked again.

“She did not get use to of it? I mean we develop an endurance when something lasts with us long enough.” I spoke my mind.

“Get use to?” she smiled softly “If people around you kept dying one by one, will you develop the endurance? Will it not hurt after a certain number?” she questioned back.

“You are so toxic.” That you make me nervous.

She smiled again “Time does not heal, the new thing that happens works as a sheet to the past, the more the time the thicker the sheet. She did not have the sheet so even after a whole century, it hurt her the same.” She continued.

“But then one day, the one day! A raindrop fell on her cheek! She agonized with pain, it felt like a skin pealed body was dropped in a saltwater pool. She screamed her lungs out!! She got the voice!!! She cried as loud as she could!! As long as she could!! She cried till her tears dried out she cried even after that; she screamed hammering the floor with her fist, she screamed till her voice gave up she screamed even after that.”

She smiled with a sense of relief and that awoke something in me, a sense of empathy? I don’t know what it is, but I felt hurt, I could see the little girl crying and her looking at the child with this smile on her face, it just broke my heart somehow.

“She cried and cried” she said with bright smile on her face “then! She heard a voice.

‘Who are you?’ it said.

‘I am me!!’ she replied.

‘Stop being in pain, you are hurting me! You are killing me!’ the voice replied.

‘Who are you?’ she asked.

‘It’s me! Me! You are living in me! It’s me!’ the voice replied.

‘The room? You are the room. Why did you not help me? I was in so much pain.’ she asked.

‘Help you? How? What could have I done? You are the master not me. You were supposed to take care of me and look what have you done.’ The voice replied.

‘I can’t see, it’s too dark.’ She replied.

‘Exactly! You haven’t even lit up the room, It’s so dark.’ The voice said.

‘Is there any switch?’ she asked.

‘You have a sun in your hand, and you are asking me if there’s any switch? Why are you so weak? What are you so scared of?’ the room asked.

‘I am scared?’ she asked.

‘Yes, yes! you are. You own everything…you live here, it’s all yours. So, what are you so goddamn scared of?’ the room shouted.

‘It’s mine?’ she asked crying. ‘You sure it’s mine? Mom locked me here, so isn’t it my mother’s? oh right!!! Mom!! She locked me here. She brought me here; we were playing and then…and then she left.’

Now she got the consciousness, she remembered everything, she understood everything, she knew what she was doing and how she got so distant to her consciousness, she remembered it all.

‘Yes! It is. It doesn’t matter who brought you, you live here so it’s yours now.’ The room replied.

‘Mom? Do you know where she went?’ she asked.

‘How would I? if you want to know go look for her yourself.’ The room replied.

‘Door? Where is the door?’ she asked.

‘There is no door you have to break through.’ The voice replied.

Now she remembered why she did not break through it before.

‘I can’t break you; I am too weak.’ She spoke. The room stayed silent.

‘What happened?’ she asked.

‘Why? Why are you pathetic? Why are so powerless? You are MY owner… you should have had the power to burn down the haven to lit up the hell. Then why? Why?’ the room said in a sad voice.

This time she stayed silent.

‘You can have anything you lay your eyes on, you can travel where nobody else can, you can fly beyond the galaxy, you can dive into the black hole, you can have it all which nobody can. Then why are so weak? Even within me you can do so much. You can do what I can’t, then why???

‘Then bring me food.’ She spoke almost commanding this time.

‘Just brighten up, fire up the sun let it explode, you’ll see it all, everything that you want is here.’ The room replied.

‘I can’t….!!!!’ she screamed.

‘Listen! You want to go find your mother, so even if I burn down to ashes, it’s a success! So, don’t hesitate and if I could endure it, I’ll have the power to control, then I can bring you what you wish for.’ The room tried to convince.

‘It’s risky! You can die! You will… you will vanish!!!’ she shouted.

‘Why do you care?’ the room asked.

‘Coz, you don’t. How can you be so raceless! If you burn down, I’ll lose you. What will I do then?’

‘But you want to go!! You want to go search her.’ The room relied.

She thought…thought a lot… she hesitated…but then she came a conclusion… if she stayed just like that nothing is gonna change, so even if she is scared, she has to let the sun explode….

‘You care for me?’ the room asked.

‘The whole time you were here you did not, and now when the parting time came… you care…hanhh what strange creature.’ The room said in a soft voice.

‘I never realized.’ She replied lighting up the sun faced lion toy that she had.

‘Sorry!!’ she said as the lion was burning…. the fire was becoming bigger and bigger… the room started screaming… the fire became even more strong, and the room screamed louder…’sorry’ she said crying silently… the fire was getting bigger…burning the room…concrete to concrete sand to sand… the room was screaming louder than tsunami…’sorry’ she said crying….’sorry…sorry…sorry…sorry….’ one more loud howl and she broke ‘sorryyy!!!! No…no…soryy’ she screamed…’please don’t burn…sorry…please…I am sorry!!!!’ she kept screaming standing in the middle of the hellish fire….”

“What do you think happened? Did the room burned out or it was able to control the fire?” she asked.

“If it’s you... then the room is here so it didn’t die” I replied.

“Yeah, it survived… the room…controlled the sun and turned it into a bright bulb.” She stopped.

“What happed then?” I asked.

“Then…. they both cried for hours…. The room was glad knowing she cares for her that she screamed for her and she was glad that the room wasn’t in ashes she was really glad. Once everything was over, she looked around…it was a vast infinity… there was so much to look at…the room was wider than her vision it had things she had never seen before… then she realized how beautiful the room was.

‘You are so beautiful.’ She whispered.

‘Yes, I am! This is the first time I am seeing myself; I never knew I had so many things I even have a cosmos within me!!!’ the room sounded amazed.

‘I need food.’ She gave her first command. The room gave her a chocolate, and said, ‘try this…you will like it...’ and she ate it….”

She was smiling softly, now that I look at her… she IS really pretty.

“‘thanks!!’ She said ‘you know I never realized before, but I am glad to be here, I love it here, I really love you…I’ll take care of you from now on… I’ll make you a happy room, and if I get tired lying on the floor just give me a push like you did this time.’ She spoke.

‘But I can’t give you what you want the most. Your mother!’ the room spoke.

‘It’s okay.’ She said with a sense of satisfaction.

‘No! it’s not! How can it be! You’ll never be okay!’ said the room.

‘Even if I break you and leave, there’s no grantee that I’ll find her. If you have an infinity within you just imagine how vast the outside will be. I’ll keep wandering. So, I’ll stay here as long as I can rest up enough to gather all the energy and enthusiasm that I’ll need to survive out there.’ She spoke.

The room stayed silent she had mixed feelings; she was happy yet sad. Then she suddenly said

‘Try to remember her! All of her! All the memories that you have of your mother.’

‘Okay!’ she tried to remember her mother but all she could remember was a few moments…fragments of memories…she got tears when she realized that she was too little to even remember it all.

‘Try!’ the room said softly.

‘That’s all I have.’ She said tearing up.

The room created a vision world out of her memories and gave it to her.

‘You can enter here anytime you want…you can live there as long as you want.’ She spoke.

‘Thanks…Thanks a lot!!!’ she said curling up on the floor. The room put a blanket on her and let her sleep for a while.

‘Sleep!!!! You need to rest… we have a lot to do, and we do not have enough time.’ The room said.

‘Don’t worry!! I won’t leave you…we will look for her together…we will explore the star world…we will conquer it all…we wii….’ And she fell asleep. The room was happy…so happy…she was sleeping of exhaustion not of unknowingness, pain or hunger… she still has a lot to do but she is fine for the moment…she will bleed more she will cry more but it’s okay because this time she will know that she is not alone she will know she has somewhere to belong to, so it’s okay.

The end.” She said taking a deep beath.

The end. I do not know how I do not know when, but I got the answer. It is all within me. I have to talk to him too, even if it hurts or even if he does not reply….i have to talk to him… only then this emptiness will fill up.

“Thanks! I guess we do need a fairy tale to learn, no matter what age.” I thanked her. She just smiled. She is really pretty; her smile is so pretty.

She shuffled my hair again.

“Don’t!!!” don’t.

The phone rang…

“I’ll go get it…maybe he is here.” She said going into the room… actually running a little as if she was waiting for him. Now I understand why she is scared to marry him. She loves him. More than she should. She has a lioness in her, a fire, a free soul and the love she has for him overpowers it all, so she is scared.

“He is here. ‘M gonna go now. Thanks for all the help.” She went to washroom, changed and came out.

“Hey…not gonna meet him?” she asked.

“No!!!” No, I don’t want to….i don’t…

She hugged me… tapping my back gently. How does she always know what to do, what to say?

“Take your time. And don’t worry you don’t love me.” She whispered.

One more time she shuffled my hairs and turned to leave.

“By the way does Prajwal means just brightening your own darkness or burning yourself to show lights to others?” she asked turning to me.

“I guess it depends on the person who carries the name.” I replied.

“Sure!!” She said turning back.

“By the way you also live up to your name. You are just like a dream.” I spoke.

I saw her name on the form we filled here to check in.

“Bye!!!” she said running to her love.

“Bye!!!” I said softly. She was such a random dream…came out of nowhere and left me with so many questions and answers. Wait I still don’t know how she fell into the fountain. A smile arched on my lips…but I can imagine her doing something stupid or reckless and falling there. The night is so long...so so long...

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