A plot of mind's eye : July 2019

Monday, July 29, 2019

LOVE-It's not about the shell, it's about the soul.

I don't know how every love story ends with marriage, mine started there. It was like reading a dictionary, every day i got to know something new about her.The first time we got intimate, physical pleasure was one thing but the emotional satisfaction was something i never had before,i never knew i was an incomplete piece of puzzle which she completes.

No! It wasn't an arrange marriage, we met on social site, we fell for each other and end up marrying , but honestly we didn't end up, we actually stared there. 'That day' when i saw her in that red 'saree' , all dressed up for 'pooja' the first thought ran across my mind was 'does goddess look like this?'. I felt a weird feeling, a wonderful pain which stabbed the deepest core of my heart, my eyes filled with tears and i was the happiest at that time. I was crying like a baby saying that i love her and she held me like a mother saying that she's already all mine, then i realized, it was never about the shell, it was all about the soul. It wasn't me the piece of puzzle it was my soul, which when met hers, created LOVE. Love, which don't have any limit, the deep you go the deeper is waiting, a never ending depth. Love is a whole universe, in which happiness, pain, etc. are starts and all the other things like excitement, amusement,trust, care,protectiveness, worry, jealously etc. are planets, moons, comets and so on...

She died after 12 years, and what is a "mother without child"! , my body died too but, our LOVE is still alive. I never thought of killing myself. I am scared. What if there's no world where i could find her? What if i couldn't feel our LOVE anymore? I want to live as long as i can with "OUR IMMORTAL LOVE".

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Sharon- from where?

All i remember is, I got up on my weak legs, my whole body was swollen, dark circles went darker almost black now, feeling tired i took the knife and laid on my bed. Without a second thought i cut my wrist, i already had enough pain so now this doesn't hurt that much I just closed my eyes and slept in peace. Then I woke up here.

We call it Elara, it doesn't have sky it's vacuum up there. Everything here is constantly moving and by everything i mean these living rocks only. We don't breathe still we are alive, we don't walk still we move, we don't sleep or eat or talk still feel though, there's just two of it only peace and pain. From past two years i'm feeling the pain only. Everything is simply complicated here. We don't have any goals because we know that we'll be at our destination when it's the time. We don't have any questions because, we know that every answer is waiting others side of the door. One day i end up on that door, the living rocks got me there and now suddenly i feel so many emotions... Pain, excitement, weirdness, happiness... It's like an emotional tornado. I saw my mother there. "mommm" i cried, "time to go back baby, now i'll be with you forever, i'll be in Sharon" she said with the happy tears and just fed away.
I don't know what it was either my subconscious mind or the time dilation. All dad said is i passed out for a day only but, even after all these 8 years i still remember every living second i have lived there.
"Mammaa..." my four year's little daughter came running to me, "here's my mami" I mimicked her kneeling down in front of her. "mamma, grannpa said that I look like grammy" she said with one of her brightest smiles and that always fills me with so many emotion. "yeah, You do Sharon" I said kissing her cheek.

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

THE GOLDFISH BOWL

"Change is the only constant thing," said Einstein. So, I accepted the change, the change in things in our relationship. Love is all that matters right? It's been 3 weeks without sex, yeah! that happens sometimes. I planned a dinner date; I know how to make him happy. But my periods got earlier this month, cramps are not heavy, but my back is hurting quite a lot. I'm just waiting for him to come home to whine like a baby. Finally, he came "hi bebe" I greeted with a kiss, "hey love" he replied kissing me back. "Sorry, 5 more days." I whispered to him. "Don't be sorry! it's okay." he said with a smile. An unfamiliar smile, I don't recognize that smile, it's a stranger to me. We ate dinner watching TV, we head to bed, after a few tap-taps on phone and a few twists and turns he fell asleep. A night where we were supposed to be awake for few more hours ended early.

I turned to the opposite side; I saw the goldfish bowl which he had gifted me on our second date. Five years she survived and according to the internet she has more years to live. But I know something is wrong with her and she is going to die sooner, way sooner.

I couldn't sleep, I am still gazing at the fish. She is restless and I don't know how, but I am feeling the same. I am feeling exactly the same, It's not similar, it's same. I turned my side, and his back was breathing on my face. I felt a knot in my throat, like a giant python wrapped all around my body, trying hard to crush my bones, to choke me. Breathing was so hard. I desperately needed some oxygen, it keeps you alive, you need oxygen, so with a great struggle I breathed an amount of air.

I got up all wrapped in pain, pain in my back, pain in my heart, pain in my brain, pain in my thought. I packed a few things, cloths, money, brush, underpants, things like that. Picked my goldfish bowl and walked to the door. I turned to the house, 'Oh walls, did you ever love me?' I asked. My eyes pooled with water. I walked out and kept walking, walked more and kept walking, I don't know what else to do. I felt weak so, I stopped walking. The bowl slipped off my hand. My goldfish bowl broke. 'Did I kill you? or was it just an accident?' I asked the dying, No! the struggling to live fish. She died soon; sooner than I had thought she would die in.

Monday, July 22, 2019

"THAT happiness" - my kind of tale...

I asked dad if i can go on a 'break' as it was too much stress to take in, i mean it took me 18 years to finally decide what i actually have to do in my life, and finally when i took a step forward, i stepped in a whole new world, where everyone is a professional and nobody carer about the existence of a beginner. No matter how much i struggle, i'm gonna be the backbencher no teacher likes.

"Baby sit" said dad, "you know when I was a kid what my worst nightmare was? HUNGER! my dad was really poor and wasn't able to feed 8 children and a wife. Every morning when he left the house we all just hoped not to see him empty handed when he returns. The waiting time would be so frustrating but, at the end when he use to return with the bags of food in his hands it would be the happiest moment of our life, nothing else could make us happier. So, think what if dad wasn't that poor and we never had to face hunger? " he waited for me" life would have been so much easier ", i replied." Yeah, but I never would have known, that THAT happiness exists, that just a food bag can make you feel like you own the world.", he replied.

"And what when your dad came empty handed?" I asked. "Honey, I am already living my worst nightmare so I have nothing else to get scared of. I would just go in fields and walk crossing my arms around my chest like a king. Sometimes I even found myself one or two tomatoes to eat which i used to call bonus. " taking a pause he continued, "see baby life is a battle and a soldier don't take a break when he is tired, a soldier takes break when he is done." he said.

What I did next? Well, first I canceled the trip and then I started writing this blog, and I don't know why but I don't have that wrinkled temple while typing instead, i have a little smile on my lips.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

BEST way to deal with "DEPRESSION"

No matter how rich or poor you are, no matter if you are single or taken, no matter what skin color you have, no matter which religion you believe in, if you are a human you must have gone through it at least once in your life.

So, what DEPRESSION is? is it a bad phase of life? i say NO. It's not a part of life, it's a part of you, a part which is insecure,scared,lonely,helpless,it's the devil inside you, it's like a vampire and all these feelings are blood to him . The more you feel theses feelings, the more you feed him. Some people choose to ignore him-being around the people they love,being busy all day long,taking a break and so on .Though it's not the best option but some people choose to satisfy him- hurting others,hurting themselves,and then finally killing themselves.

I choose to fight him, yeah! it's though. Fighting your own part is not something everyone can do, it needs a great strength, you need to be strong enough to defeat yourself. I just know one thing that-"ONCE I DEFEAT THAT MONSTER, I'LL FIND THE TRUE HAPPINESS" and that is all going matter at the end.

So, how are you going to deal with depression?